


Putting the ‘Fun’ in Disfunctional

by TardisCrew



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Christmas Hijinks, Disfunction, F/M, Fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisCrew/pseuds/TardisCrew
Summary: Driving themselves spare preparing to host a special guest for Christmas in the TARDIS, the Doctor manages to stun everyone with shocking personal news that changes everything. Between that and an explosive event in the galley their Christmas promises to be like no other
Relationships: Domestics - Relationship, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Turkeys - Relationship
Comments: 24
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

The TARDIS was a beehive of activity because Christmas was approaching and a very special guest was coming. Christmas was two weeks away, barely enough time to be ready for the festive day. 

The Doctor volunteered to take charge of decorations, something Rose usually did, but he had assured her he could handle the job. He’d carefully explained the kind of Christmas decorations he could make if he used electronics and special effects lighting. 

“But Doctor, it seems like a lot of work for you,” she’d pointed out with visions of electronic Santas blowing up in their faces or trying to kill them. Not like it hadn’t happened before!

“Rose!” he protested, “it’s important to put one’s best effort into Christmas, especially considering our guest!”

Truth be told Rose found it a bit rich he was explaining to her how important it was to put effort into Christmas. She’d been the one dragging him kicking and screaming into appreciating the joys of Christmas! 

“Sounds lovely Doctor but our store-bought decorations are pretty and they’re faster for decorating meaning you’d have more time for all the other stuff we need to do,” she reasoned.

“But Rose,” he whined, “I just wanted to make hand made stuff. They’re more special made by hand.”

Although she remained skeptical she couldn’t bring herself to puncture his enthusiasm so she nodded and smiled. “I’m sure our guest will appreciate your efforts!”

He hadn’t always appreciated the attention humans gave to Christmas. He’d found the rationale underpinning the holiday silly but he did enjoy the gift giving and the food. Who was he to denigrate stuffing one’s face and buying presents for all and sundry? He loved the lashings of sweets and indulged himself every Christmas since he’d taken Rose on board with him to travel the stars. 

Rose was the principle reason he’d come to appreciate Christmas. She made Christmas special and she made it fun. The first companion to decorate the TARDIS console room, she didn’t want his living ship left out of the festivities. She would badger him to take them to a snowy planet where she could pick out a tree for the library and they’d cut it down together. To his surprise he enjoyed it, especially Rose’s cheeks red from the cold and her eyelashes covered in white snowflakes but especially her excitement when they dragged the tree inside together. 

She insisted on hot rum toddies in the library afterwards where she’d fed him cookies made just for him and she always snuggled with him which was the best part. Not only did she make Christmas fun for him but she made him feel part of her tradition, like they were a little family together. Now he actually looked forward to spending that time of year with her.

But this year was different and he was a frenetic wreck. His buzzing mind was devoted to ever more grandiose constructions of twinkling, rotating holiday gizmos, gadgets, figurines including elves, Santa’s and reindeers. He wanted hanging banners, tinsel and enormous Christmas trees that rotated and twinkled as well. And that was just in the console room. He hadn’t even started in the library yet.

Rose had her own stresses because she had to cook a turkey and she was determined to pull it off. She’d read dozens of recipes and finally chose one that she thought would be welcomed by everyone. Every evening for the last two weeks she’d read the recipe going over the timing, kitchen equipment needed, ingredients for the stuffing and so on. She felt confident she could do it and if it all went off the rails she’d done her best and they’d have whatever was left that was edible. She was also responsible for all the Christmas baking which she was completing ahead of time but she was a good baker so at least she didn’t have to worry about that and it did take some of the pressure off. 

After an adventure gone bad they had learned of the Bad Wolf personality inhabiting Rose. Born from her exposure to the vortex and the piece of it that remained in her, they discovered she would have a longer life. Despite their attraction to each other he’d resisted fearing she’d leave him when she got bored but then he’d almost lost her and begged her to marry him only to discover they could bond and have children together. It had been a roller coaster ride but not long after they’d bonded. 

Their bonding had been the best thing that ever happened to her and it still amazed her that their joining had changed time itself. Although the Doctor couldn’t see his own timeline, the TARDIS told him if they hadn’t bonded when they did they would have been forever separated in their previous timeline. Just thinking of that still gave her the chills as though she could feel her own devastation in that altered timeline. 

She turned her attention back to the present and tried to put her nervousness into perspective. So long as she made her best effort, even if she burnt the turkey and they were attacked by the Christmas Santas, she didn’t care because they loved each other and everything would work out fine. 

Feeling the Doctor’s buzzing energy over their bond, she knew he was driving himself spare trying to make things perfect but it wasn’t necessary. The secret to a fun get together was havin’ a laugh, enjoying each other and relaxing. Maybe she’d give him banana bread later and talk to him. 

Taking out all the pans, lifters, mixes, gauze, and timers she would need for the special day she placed them on the extra table they had at the back of the galley. In this way everything she needed would be handy on the day. As she cleaned up the kitchen from her baking she chuckled remembering their Earth wedding.

They were inspired to have an Earth wedding for her Mum’s sake and to invite their Torchwood friends. Once Jackie got over her shock that her daughter and an alien were a done deal, she set to organizing the event. The ceremony itself had gone off without a hitch and the Doctor had been the calm center of the storm looking so handsome at the altar. 

The wedding reception went reasonably well but the after party had been a classic, shambolic mess with Bev getting drunk and sitting on the Doctor’s lap banging on about how handsome he was. When he finally escaped Bev, two of her cousins, distant cousins, dragged him under mistletoe as an excuse to kiss him right in front of her and she knew they’d tongued him, judging by his shocked reaction and the tongue wiping he’d done with a napkin he’d grabbed from his pocket! Luckily Jack moved in and the two women moved on. 

Her Mum had cried and Rose was fairly sure they weren’t tears of happiness, more like ‘my-daughter-married-an-alien’ type of tears. The party was in full, drunken, shouting, singing swing when the Doctor gave her ‘the look’, the look that said ‘get me out of here’! She nodded and they’d each slipped out separately meeting up outside and racing to the TARDIS, hand in hand. They escaped to the cosmos to make love on a mattress on the TARDIS ramp so they could watch the stars. In a stroke of genius the Doctor had rented the hall for the party AND paid for a crew to come in and clean it all up so they didn’t have to go back and help her Mum do it.

Taking the banana bread out of the hob she set it aside to cool. Sighing, she admitted to herself they were falling into the trap of overcompensating in an effort to try and impress their guest - Jackie Tyler!


	2. Chapter 2

When visiting Jackie, she and the Doctor routinely glossed over the dangers of their life among the stars in favor of emphasizing the wonders. Rose would always be grateful to her Mum for getting the big truck that helped her tear open the heart of the TARDIS so she could save the Doctor. Despite that shared experience, Jackie still refused to go anywhere near the TARDIS and routinely insulted and belittled the Doctor. 

But, Rose reasoned, not many mothers would tolerate their daughter travelling into space with an alien and she must have been worried sick and then there was the year Jackie thought she’d never see her daughter again when the Doctor screwed up by a year in returning her home. That took a lot out of her Mum yet she did feed him and invite him to Christmas dinner. 

Her Mum probably reasoned her daughter was young and the thrill of her infatuation would wear off so she wanted to make it too uncomfortable for the Doctor to hang around. No doubt her reaction to him was also colored by a parent’s sense of loss as their child left the nest for another life. It had been her and her Mum against the world and it had been tough for Jackie to protect and provide for her daughter.

But Rose was married now and although she’d always look out for her Mum and make sure she was okay, the three of them had to redefine their relationship. 

Perhaps her Mum sensed the new reality because she’d accepted their invitation to come for Christmas dinner in the TARDIS no less. As a result, the Doctor was driving himself into a lather trying to overdo it so Jackie would like him. She knew he was doing it for her sake so she didn’t have to be the referee between them which he knew upset her. 

Kings and Queen’s often bowed to the Doctor but her Mother regularly insulted him. She’d always been the buffer between Jackie and the Doctor and she was starting to resent how her Mum treated him. She had to get her Mother to understand if she kept putting her in the middle she’d damage their relationship. 

Whistling on her way to the console room she stopped dead at the entrance, her mouth dropped open as she looked around in wonder. She was gobsmacked.

“Doctor?” she called.

His head popped up from under the console. “Rose!” Climbing out he asked, “What’s up?”

“What’s up!! How did you do all this? How am I to get in?”

“It’s a giant snow globe!” he crowed, clearly delighted with himself.

“I see that Doctor but how do you enter and leave?”

“Oh, the globe part is just a holograph Rose. Looks real though doesn’t it? Come on in.” 

Ecstatic at her look of wonder he waited until she stepped into the console room and inside the globe. Then he flipped a switch and grinned in delight when she gasped at gently falling snowflakes.

She turned slowly taking in the enormous turning, twinkling Christmas tree and the two reindeer in front. Dotted around the console room were elves wrapping gifts, owls in lit trees, bunny rabbits with red bows and everything necessary to call it a snowy winter wonderland. She could even hear jingle bells in the background as the two reindeer, fully harnessed to the Santa sleigh, stamped their hooves jingling their harness bells.

“Doctor,” she whispered in shock, “it’s amazin’, unbelievable! I can’t believe you did all this!”

She walked over to him and threw her arms around him. “It’s beautiful Doctor, just beautiful!”

Wrapping his arms around her his tension melted and he sighed happily, “Thank you, Rose.” 

“Doctor, are the reindeer real? They’re stamping their feet and what about the owls hooting. How’s this possible? It looks so real!”

“No they’re not real but I’m chuffed you think so. They’re automatons I made. They just move around a bit and make sounds.”

“Doctor,” Rose said, looking up at him, her eyes shining, “you made somethin’ amazing. Thank you for working so hard on this. It’s beyond anythin’ I could imagine.”

She took another look around and said, “I made you some banana bread. Thought ya might like a break and some tea?”

“Oh perfect. I best shut all this off until the appointed hour. Meet you there in five?”

Each of them had been working non stop all morning so Rose decided to add a sandwich for each of them as well as the banana bread along with some restorative tea.

Sprawled on the sofa Rose had even kicked off her trainers. “Doctor,” Rose laughed, “bloody hell, by the time she gets here I’m gonna be knackered!”

“Hmmm,” the Doctor nodded, “I know what you mean.” Naturally he started with the banana bread before his sandwich. “Brilliant banana bread Rose!”

“Ya know Doctor, we’re doin’ our best to welcome Mum. If she chooses to be cranky and snarky it’s not your fault and it’s not even you really.” 

She could see he was listening intently.

“I just wish she didn’t hate me so much because it makes you sad and frustrated. Jackie and I just rub each other the wrong way.”

“Yeah, well, she started it really. She resents you and it’s not fair. You have nothing against her but because she’s always snarkin’ at ya you react. But it’s not your fault and there’s nothing she does or says that’s gonna change what you are to me and Mum’s gonna have to realize that.”

Collecting her thoughts Rose continued, “See you’re my world now, the first person I look to and rely on. It’s not my Mum anymore and she feels under appreciated and abandoned. I’ll always look out for her and be there if she needs me but she’s still adjusting to the new reality, especially after our wedding cuz before she thought she could chase you away.” 

Nodding his understanding the Doctor replied, “It hasn’t been easy for Jackie. Her husband dies leaving her with a young child and no means of support. And she had to raise you under less than ideal circumstances. Constantly struggling to earn enough to pay for the essentials and terrified you would fall under bad influences, she didn’t have an easy life.”

Snuggling into him, she agreed, “Thank you Doctor for recognizing that. All her life she struggled to provide for us and to keep me safe and I didn’t make it easier ya know. I remember crying sometimes when I didn’t get presents I really wanted at Christmas and I know now how it broke her heart.”

“Rassilon, imagine when I came on the scene, whisking her daughter away in an alien spaceship, not to mention you marrying said alien. When you think of it Jackie’s weathered the storm rather well.”

“Yeah, she has but she doesn’t realize that, in a way, I’ve done what she wanted all along. I’ve married well!”

“How do you figure that Rose?”

“I picked a brilliant, handsome alien with really great hair that can control time itself, someone with his own spaceship that feeds and clothes us!” Rose teased, fluffing his fringe. “Seriously though, what Mother doesn’t want her daughter provided for yeah? She just doesn’t realize we don’t need a house and a job to live well.”

The Doctor fell silent thinking about Rose’s insight and a sparkling new idea occurred to him.

“Anyhow Doctor, I just wanted to be sure we saw things from her perspective because you’ve worked so hard to make everything so amazing for her first visit. To be honest, I’m worried I might be sharp with her. I’m gonna be real upset if she insults you.”

Kissing the top of her head, he reassured her. “I’m betting on Jackie. She’ll come around and I have a few ideas from the insights you’ve shared Rose. Come on then, I’ve work to do and even if Jackie doesn’t appreciate my Christmas decorations, it was worth it because you do.”


	3. Chapter 3

Rose felt good about her conversation with the Doctor. By looking at things from her Mum’s point of view it put things into perspective and Rose was sure any friction her Mum caused would be like water on a duck’s back to the two of them. There was bound to be some friction cuz blimey Christmas holidays produced enough stress all on their own.

While Rose had helped him understand what Jackie had been through, in the grand scheme of things, Daleks and Cybermen were something to worry about. Jackie being snarky with him was not. It was her choice if she was irritated with him. Besides he actually enjoyed trading barbs with her. He knew she did it hoping to drive him away from Rose but she had never understood what Rose meant to him and besides, he was a stubborn bastard who didn’t easily give up! Now Rose was his bond mate so the ball was in Jackie’s court. 

His hyper focus on preparations for Jackie’s arrival was for Rose’s sake. He wanted her to have an enjoyable Christmas and that meant he had to keep the histrionics to a minimum. If Jackie snarked at him for the rest of her life it was nothing compared to the real horrors he’d faced. 

The days passed quickly but they chopped down a real tree and visited one of their favourite off planet markets for last minute gifts. The Doctor finished the library decorations which were tasteful, less in your face, but elegant and kinda posh. He’d gone to visit a friend on the Christmas planet with a hologram of the library. His friend gave him a complete plan for it’s decoration and supplied all the decorations at a reasonable price including storage boxes for their post Christmas storage.

Afterwards he used holographic imagery to decorate the corridors of their living space and finally he asked the TARDIS to decorate the galley however she liked so she would be part of the celebration.

At last everything was decorated within an inch of it’s life and Rose was pleased and because she was pleased the Doctor was pleased. Tomorrow was the big day. Mid afternoon London time they’d land in Jackie’s living room and she’d come on board. 

They were in bed and had talked over the arrangements three times.

“Rose,” the Doctor rumbled behind her as they spooned together, “what you need is a goodnight’s sleep. You’re exhausted.”

“Yeah, but I’m just so keyed up ya know. I’m gonna be a mess if I don’t get some sleep.”

“How about I put you to sleep?”

“Yeah okay Doctor. Don’t know what I’d do without you and all your help and especially that stuff ya told me about cookin’ bloody turkeys. I read all them recipes and none of them made any of that stuff clear.”

“Ssshhhh,” the Doctor soothed, entering her mind. A few minutes later she was sound asleep breathing deeply. He brushed her hair from her face and settled himself for sleep. 

Who knew the effort it took to be ready for one British mother!? Truth be told he was knackered himself but it stemmed from Rose’s constant anxiety about making things perfect for her Mother. For days now that anxiety had affected him as it hit him in waves over their bond.

Rose woke at four am realizing she forgot to put slippers for her Mum by the TARDIS door. That meant the heels of her shoes might get stuck in the metal grill floor of the console room. She moved to get up.

When Rose woke he did too. “Where do you think you’re going? It’s 4:13 am Rose. What could be so important?”

“Forgot to put slippers for Mum by the door. She could get her heel caught in the grill work!”

“Oh for Rassilon’s sake Rose!. Get back here. You have to get a good night’s sleep or you’ll be dead on your feet by 11am. I’ll do it. He pulled her back down and again mentally soothed her back into sleep.”

“I suppose it could wait,” she murmured as she drifted off.

Ever since they’d bonded it was so much easier to sleep if she was safe beside him in the TARDIS. They were a mated pair and when she was safe his protective instincts receded. Anywhere else he could wake fully alert and kill an attacker in seconds. It was the physiology of his species that Time Lords were hard wired to protect their mates.

When he had to be away from her his mind constantly checked their bond for her status. If she had to be somewhere without him it was worse. Recently he’d noticed her checking him much more often. She may not be a Time Lady but the bond provoked the same instincts in her although there was little chance she could ever wake fully alert. 

The next morning he opened his eyes when her arms tightened around him. “Thank you for helping me sleep. And thank you for all your help. Merry Christmas Doctor. I love you and I always will.”

He turned to face her. “Merry Christmas Rose. You’re welcome and never forget you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’d be lost without you.”

As they nuzzled together Rose reluctantly dampened his enthusiasm for an amorous start to the day by explaining, “Doctor I want to be with you but not when I’m sidetracked by my ‘to do’ lists. But after Mum goes let’s go to the vortex and live in the big bed in the observatory for a few days. I’ll feed you grapes and banana bread when you get hungry cuz you’re gonna be expending a lot of energy for awhile!”

At first the Doctor pouted but he quickly warmed to the alternative. “Alright Rose Tyler. Up and at ‘em then. Let’s get this show on the road!”

By the time Rose joined him in the console room to take the trip to Jackie’s the Doctor could feel her roiling nerves.

“Rose,” he soothed, “I’ve checked the coordinates three times and yes it’s a tight squeeze but the TARDIS is programmed not to land on Jackie. It’s a fail safe! The TARDIS is decorated, the presents are under the tree, the turkey is dressed and in the cooker, the baking is done and all is ready so put your game face on and let’s enjoy the visit and our time together.”

Putting her hands on his hearts, she smiled up at him and took a breath. “You’re so right. I’m just being a nob! Let’s go!”

Landing without incident the Doctor stayed behind to turn the snow globe on and Rose went to get her Mum.

“Merry Christmas Mum! Look at you!” Jackie had dressed up for the occasion wearing dress pants rather than jeans and a nice Christmas jumper. “You look real nice Mum,” Rose smiled embracing her.

“Merry Christmas Sweetheart. Where’s his nibs?”

“Oh he’s just inside, waiting. He’s been helping’ me with all the cookin’ ‘n gettin’ ready. What’s this then?” Rose asked spying several tubs packed with stuff.

“Just presents and baking...in case I get trapped in that daft blue box if it goes somewhere.”

“Don’t worry Mum the TARDIS is staying here during your visit and I’ve been baking for two weeks. Besides, the TARDIS has enough food to feed an army. We have everything ready for your first visit. I hope you enjoy it Mum.”  
Rose hugged her Mum. “We’re happy to have you Mum. It’s your turn to take a break and let us do the work yeah? Come on then. I’ll carry the presents.”

Jackie was touched by her daughter’s welcome and steeled herself to enter the blue box and spend Christmas in the spaceship of the alien who had married her daughter.

As Jackie approached the ship, both doors of the TARDIS opened revealing the snow globe at the top of the ramp.

“Blimey Rose, what is that?”

“The Doctor made this festive scene. The snow globe is a hologram, ya just walk through it!”

As Jackie hesitated on the ramp the Doctor felt Rose’s spike of anxiety. “Slippers, Doctor! Where are they?”

Quickly the Doctor instructed the TARDIS and a lovely pair of slippers materialized at the top of the ramp, prompting a squeak of surprise from Jackie.

“See now this is what scares me half to death Sweetheart, stuff just appearing out of thin air!”

“Mum, they’re just slippers. Your heels could fall through the grid work. Go on then put them on,” Rose urged.

Having forgotten to put out the bloody slippers like he promised, the Doctor was relieved his quick thinking meant Rose wouldn’t be disappointed in him. He watched Jackie trundle through the hologram barrier into the winter wonderland, just like a Dalek he thought.

“This is amazin’,” Jackie declared looking around as Rose held her breath.

“The Doctor made all this to welcome you Mum,” she reminded. 

“Well, innit somethin’!” Then, as an after thought, she asked, “How are you Doctor?”

“Armed and ready Jackie!” he drawled. “Welcome aboard the TARDIS and Merry Christmas.” He sported a sardonic smile with a bit of challenge in his knowing eyes. “And how are you?”

“So far so good,” then under her breathe she added, “we’ll see how long that lasts. You’re not talkin’ back to me already are ya Doctor?”

“Yes,” he smirked, “that’s how a conversation works Jackie.”

It seemed they couldn’t resist nattering at each other but before Rose could interrupt one of the reindeers, the one near the giant Christmas tree captured her attention. 

It was programmed to move a few steps back and forth and shake it’s head but now it was closer to the Christmas tree than before. Then she noticed the snowflakes were falling more densely. She put up her hand to get the Doctor’s attention but he was still nattering with Jackie. Then everything happened in slow motion.

The renegade reindeer walked into the giant Christmas tree and shook it’s antlers causing bulbs to fall and the Christmas tree to sway dangerously. Rose ran up the ramp and hustled her Mother aside as the tree fell landing within a foot of where Jackie had been standing. Bulbs cracked and popped, shattering everywhere and the snow was falling so fast it was getting hard to see!

Jackie shrieked as the snowflakes fell fast and furious becoming a wall of fake snow. The owls were hooting and the rabbits were hopping and Santa’s pants fell down. The Doctor raced around the console as Rose tried to hustle her Mum from the room. 

Finally everything stopped but then the TARDIS quite literally coughed, sending all the ‘snow’ back into the air covering all of them in fake snow. Apparently the TARDIS was enjoying the festivities too by fiddling with the Doctor’s Christmas Wonderland. Rose could hear the difference in her habitual hum. The ship was laughing. 

“Well,” the Doctor grinned, “nothing like starting Christmas off with a bang!”

“Rose,” Jackie cursed, “this could be my last Christmas with you. He’s tryin’ ta kill me!”

“I didn’t mean to push all your buttons Jackie, just the mute button!” 

Rose glared at him and hustled her Mother out of the console room heading to the library.


	4. Chapter 4

Oh dear,” the Doctor thought, “I’m in trouble now. Better make them tea and snacks he thought but truth be told, so far, he was enjoying himself immensely. A rogue reindeer and a falling Christmas tree...brilliant!. At least the TARDIS was having a laugh even if Jackie wasn’t! He stroked her console. “Well played my beautiful old girl!”

Whistling happily on his way to the galley he fixed up some Christmas snacks and a big pot of tea. As he carried the tray to the library he stopped when he sensed Rose’s turmoil and her concern that he and Jackie had already got off on the wrong foot. He spoke to her telepathically.

“Rose, trust me. Jackie enjoys the sparring just as much as I do. Have you noticed we’ve avoided the cutting insults. We know where the line is. Don’t worry Luv.”

“It always starts within bounds Doctor but it always escalates. One day one of ya are gonna say something ya can’t walk back, all just to score a point!”

I’m sorry Rose. I’ll be careful.”

Then he swung into the library and diligently served Jackie and Rose politely offering them treats from the trays. He’d even thought to include some of Jackie’s treats.

“Rose, these nibbles are delicious! Doctor, my Rose can bake doncha think?”

“Oh yes! The banana bread is my favorite but honestly, I luv it when she bakes anything at all.”

Rose breathed a sigh of relief. Finally something they could agree on. “Ta you lot. If the turkey don’t work out I can see sweets in our future.” 

Even Jackie was impressed with the library and admitted it. “Have you read all these books Doctor?”   
“Yes, I have, some of them more than once. I acquire new books from all over the universe so my collection gets larger and the TARDIS expands the shelving.”

What kinda books d’ya read?” 

“Mostly science, physics, philosophy, engineering and the books from my home planet.”

Rose sipped her tea grateful for the temporary respite in their sniping.

But Jackie was sceptical of all his book learnin’ since he often sounded so bloody daft! But she was determined to get to the bottom of several matters so she thought she best start subtle.

“Well, it’s nice in here with the fireplace and the books. Looks real Christmasy too.” Then Jackie fixed him with a determined look. Here it comes the Doctor knew. 

“So, Doctor, how ya gonna make enough money to live? Ya got a wife now and what about when a family comes? You’re gonna need a job to pay for babysittin’ and school. Do ya even have any money?”

Despite his earlier promise to Rose, the Doctor took the bait, hook, line and sinker. “Jackie I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong! As if I couldn’t get a job! I have more degrees than you can shake a stick at!”

“Yeah, well at the end of that stick is an idiot,” Jackie snapped back.

“Which end?” he jabbed back with glint in his eye.

Rose groaned. Five minutes, the civil conversation had lasted five minutes! 

“You’ve a smart mouth I’ll give ya that but it doesn’t change the fact I gotta right to know if ya have the means to support my daughter so how much money d’ya make?”

“Well, it depends Jackie. Are you talking about my drug trafficking business or my gambling? Oh, hang on, you mean my day job. I make no money at all from my day job,” he proudly proclaimed.

Rose rolled her eyes watching the train wreck unfold. The Doctor could be so cheeky but her Mum was outta line asking him about money. It was rude!

“You’re talking like an idiot!” Jackie protested. 

“Of course I’m talking like an idiot, how else could you understand me!”

“Stop it! Just stop it!” Rose pleaded. “It’s Christmas and you two are both giving me a head ache!”

Jackie did feel guilty and she did shut up. She could see the Doctor’s concern and knew he felt guilty too. He really did dote on her daughter but these two had no idea what it took to get through life with no money and they didn’t even have kids yet, assuming they could have kids. He looked human but he was an alien.

“Very well Jackie, I shall answer your question seriously. As it turns out I am wealthy, quite wealthy.”  
Suddenly Jackie perked up. “So what are we talkin’ about? Thousands?”

“Nah.”

Jackie’s shoulders slumped in disappointment.

The Doctor was staring off deep in thought, then he spoke. “It’s been awhile since I checked but the interest keeps accumulating. I’d say, converting to your currency, somewhere between.... forty and fifty billion pounds.”

Jackie’s tea went up her nose provoking gasping and choking as she struggled for breath and Rose stood looking at him in shock making a peculiar squeaking sound.

“What?” the Doctor asked puzzled by their reaction.

Rose and Jackie were staring at the Doctor in astonishment. 

“Forty to Fifty billion?” Jackie exclaimed. “You’re havin’ me on!”

But just in case it was true, Jackie got up and sat uncomfortably close to him. Be just like him to have a bank load and not spread it around she thought.

The Doctor tried to stay beyond the range of her slapping hand at all times so her closeness unnerved him. He best be careful with what he said!

But Rose knew he was telling the truth and was bewildered by the news.

“But Doctor that makes you bloomin’ rich!” Rose whispered. “How’d ya get so rich?”

Mindful he was talking to women who’d struggled through life, barely scrapping by, he explained, “Put in perspective the real question is why I’m not richer. Remember I’m near a thousand years old and I just started making small investments way back when and it’s not like I didn’t know the future. By Earth standards, yes, my personal wealth is large but remember Earth’s entire wealth is tiny by comparison to other planets and star systems.”

“But, but, don’t people get suspicious, like wantin’ to know who you are? Like how come you never show up in those ‘richest men on Earth’ magazine articles?” Rose asked.

“Well, I don’t spend that much of it on Earth. What I do withdraw I convert to credits to spend on other planets, like when we go to markets plus I have some personal projects I fund.”

“Like what?” Rose asked curiously. This was an aspect of the Doctor she knew nothing about!

“Well, I fund several orphanages for telepathic kids. I find and employ their teachers who have the knowledge and skill to help them and care for them. The right kind of teacher is important or the children don’t know how to cope. And there are other initiatives and people I help, hoping they’ll make a difference.”

Rose, went to him and hugged him understanding why such projects were important to him.

Wanting to get back to the Doctor’s astonishing news Jackie asked, “But Doctor, if your money is on Earth how d’ya get to it when yer out there?”

“I use a very old law firm that is very discrete and I use a code. It is only with the code that any instructions I give are followed. It used to be a bit of a slog before Earth had computerized banking because I had to withdraw funds in person. But now the TARDIS is recognized as another account by their system. She gives the code and the money is transferred to her. Then she converts it to credits on my sonic or materializes it. In the early days I used interbank transfers to buy gold and gemstones on Earth so I could sell them on other planets.” 

“Is that why storage room 333 is full of gemstones?” Rose asked.

“What?, what?” Jackie gasped.

“Yeah,” Rose replied offhand, “there’s storage rooms full of diamonds, rubies, emeralds and jewels from other planets.”

“In part, yes, that’s true but most of the time, in order to avoid the palaver and scrutiny of buying precious materials on Earth I just go to uninhabited planets and bring chunks of ore on board and sell it for credits.”

“So you’re worth forty to fifty billion on Earth and you have storage rooms full of precious gems?” Jackie asked astonished.

The Doctor nodded.

“But still, how do you avoid questions about that much money on Earth?” Jackie asked.

“I avoid interest in my identity by paying my law firm handsomely to divide the loot into separate piles in different places so no one can trace the whole story together. When I need money on Earth the TARDIS withdraws it using the code.”

There was total shocked silence in the room for a bit until Jackie declared, “Well, at least my Rose won’t be without a quid if something happens.”


	5. Chapter 5

There was total shocked silence in the room for a bit until Jackie declared, “Well, at least my Rose won’t be without a quid if something happens.”

“That’s true Jackie. Rose will get all of it if I die and am unable to regenerate. I’ve already registered her as my wife and given her full access to the bank account. All she has to do is ask the TARDIS. Naturally I’ll give her the code as well. I was going to explain all this for Christmas and now I have.”

Then the Doctor went to the Christmas tree and plucked up a card from within it’s branches. He handed it to Jackie. “Seems like the right time to give you my Christmas card. Merry Christmas Jackie!”

From Jackie’s point of view the card was a distraction from the stunning news that the Doctor was a very, very, very rich alien and she was determined to get back to that conversation. So she ripped open the envelope and quickly read the card: ‘Merry Christmas. You are a genius. You have raised a brilliant daughter with next to nothing. I admire you more than you know. I hope my gift will make things easier for you. My best wishes. The Doctor.’ 

Jackie looked at him confused. “Check inside the envelope,” the Doctor directed.

Retrieving the envelope she’d tossed aside she saw another piece of paper and pulled it out. Looking at it, she shrieked and then fainted dead away on the sofa. Rose leapt up to tend to her Mother wondering what the Doctor had done. The TARDIS materialized a cold cloth which he placed on Jackie’s forehead. 

“I wonder if it wasn’t enough,” he muttered to himself. 

With Rose’s gentle taps to her cheeks Jackie’s eyes flickered open and she asked, “How many zeros?”

Rose looked at the Doctor totally confused.

“It’s a cheque for one billion pounds Jackie,” the Doctor responded.

“What?” both women echoed until Jackie started to slump again.

Helping Jackie to sitting position once more Rose brought some sanity to the situation.

“Mum, before ya get too excited I hate to break it to ya but it’s not gonna work!”

“Why not?” Jackie and the Doctor said at the same time.

“Well, think about it, you two! After so many years with hardly anythin’ in your account Mum, if ya waltz in with a cheque for a billion pounds they’re just gonna report it as an attempt to defraud the bank an’ then you’ll be detained for questionnin’. They won’t cash it without knowing who signed the cheque and why they gave it to you.”

“But Rose, the cheque is signed by my law firm, not me,” the Doctor explained.

“Doesn’t matter Doctor. That law firm will have to identify who’s behind the cheque cuz the government’s gonna want it’s piece of the pie from Mum and the writer of the cheque aka you Doctor! Half of it will go to income tax off the top, maybe more. But that’s not all,” Rose said pacing and thinking.

“Then Mum’ll face an investigation and loads of questions about who gave her the cheque, what she received it for and then someone will leak it and the BBC will be knocking on Mum’s door with their human interest reporters. But that’s not all!” Rose walked back and forth ticking off the consequences on her fingers.

“Then, before you’ve even received a tener Mum, you’ll be kicked out of the Estates for not needin’ assistance anymore. No bank is gonna cash the cheque without knowing where the money comes from and whether it’s above board. So you’ll have no place to live and no money! But don’t worry Mum. You can stay here ‘til we get it sorted.”

Jackie Tyler living in his TARDIS caused the Doctor to pale and cough and spring to his feet. No, no, Jackie Tyler must not live on board! A solution had to be found straight away! 

“But, but, that’s not fair!” Jackie interjected looking like she might cry.

But the Doctor was determined not to have his mother-in-law living with him and that meant finding another way to give Jackie the money. 

“Yes but I can still give the money but just avoid the bank altogether.”

“See, see Rose,” Jackie insisted, “the Doctor wants to give me the money so he’s workin’ on solutions! I have to ask why my own daughter isn’t!”

Just like that Jackie was in the Doctor’s corner!

Ignoring her Mother, Rose asked the Doctor, “Watcha thinking Doctor?”

“Easy, peasy Rose. We usually visit once a month or so. I just get the TARDIS to withdraw money and materialize it and we give the cash to Jackie, like instalments.”

“Yes, yes,” Jackie immediately responded, “see Rose, easy peasy.”

“Yes that would work,” Rose smiled, adding, “but Mum, ya gotta think about not bein’ too flash with the money. If we brought you ten thousand pounds every month and you start buyin’ expensive clothes ‘n stuff ‘n tellin’ people about your amazin’ son-in-law, you’re gonna draw the wrong kind of attention from the thievin’punks and grifters around here and they don’t take no for an answer. My suggestion is we bring the money, maybe three thousand pounds and you start thinking ‘bout buyin’ a house and the Doctor could buy it for ya using his law firm.”

“Blimey Rose, that’s good advice.” Jackie was flushed and fluttering nervously. “Thank you Doctor. Seriously, I’ve never had two quid to rub together. I can’t fathom yet how this will change my life ‘n I’m grateful for your generosity to me and my little girl. It’s like freedom from poverty for a Christmas gift!”

“You’re welcome Jackie” he said with a big smile breathing a sigh of relief. 

Suddenly, Rose shrieked, attracting everyone’s attention. “Bloody hell, the turkey, I forgot the bloomin’ bird!” 

Rose raced from the room and Jackie sat stunned, listing slightly to one side with her hands shaking. Not sure who he should attend to first, the Doctor couldn’t help but notice that once again he had silenced the entire room. At least he hadn’t lost his touch!

“Tea Jackie?” he asked. “Christmas music maybe?”

When the Doctor was hit by a wave of anxiety from Rose he had to figure out what to do with Jackie. From his nearby desk he snatched up a pen and notebook and returned to the sofa.

“Jackie, I have to help Rose with the meal. While I’m gone I suggest you write down a basic plan of what you want to do with the money. Then we’ll help you with it. Okay?”

“Yeah okay,” she replied, still shaken. “It’s a good idea.” She looked up at him. “Thank you Doctor. You’ve changed my life for the better and I’m always gonna be grateful to you for that. Me, I’ve struggled all my life and it’s gonna be a challenge to break the habits of a lifetime.”

“You’re welcome Jackie,” he smiled. “I don’t want my gift to cause you grief. We’ll help you adjust and help you plan.”

When he arrived in the galley Rose was in tears and standing in front of the cooker.

“It blew up! The turkey blew up! Why can’t I do this? I followed all the directions!” she cried.

“Rose,” he soothed, taking her in his arms, “a little perspective would be good. It’s a turkey not a Dalek. We’re all going to live if we don’t have turkey for dinner. Let’s have a look shall we?”

He opened the cooker door. “Whoo, hooo! It literally blew up! Blimey, it exploded Rose!” The turkey stuffing had been blown all over covering everything including the glass view window. The Doctor thought it was quite brilliant!

Slamming the door shut he beamed at her. “That is impressive Rose, a proper explosion!” 

Seeing Rose was not at all amused he tried to take a different approach. “Well, so far Christmas has been eventful. Tell me Rose, did you take the giblets out of the bird before you stuffed the turkey?”

“Giblets?” Rose asked clearly upset.

“Yeah, turkeys are sold with their giblets placed inside a heavy plastic bag stapled closed and placed inside the turkey cavity. Giblets include heart, liver, kidneys and the turkey neck. Some people make gravy with them but you’re supposed to take the bag out of the turkey and discard it if not using the contents.”

“That wasn’t in any recipe I read! How’ya supposed to know that?”

“Well, I’m guessing when the bag of giblets started to expand the stuffing acted as a stopper until the growing pressure blasted the stuffing out of the cavity! Nice!”

“Doctor!” she said clearly exasperated. “You never said anythin’ ‘bout giblets! My whole life Mum never said anythin’ bout giblets! No one I know ever said the word ‘giblets’ not even once! What are we gonna do without a turkey?”


	6. Chapter 6

“Doctor!” she said clearly exasperated. “You never said anythin’ ‘bout giblets! My whole life Mum never said anythin’ bout giblets. No one I know ever said the word ‘giblets’ not even once! What are we gonna do without a turkey?”

“For one, let’s stop saying giblets,” the Doctor answered, “and move to plan B. But Rose, apart from the stuffing blown all over the place, your bird is perfectly cooked. Did you notice? If it wasn’t for the melted plastic patches and the missing leg, we could have eaten that bird!” 

Totally exasperated she ignored his attempt to placate her. “What’s plan B?”

“Now, don’t get upset. I would remind you your turkey was perfectly cooked but just so there’d be an alternative, if something went wrong, I cooked another turkey in the secondary galley. It’ll be ready in an hour.”

He wasn’t sure if she’d interpret his action as a lack of faith in her or not.

Rose put her arms around him surrendering to the situation. “You’ve saved the day again Doctor. Did it really tear the leg of the turkey?,” she giggled.

“Yep,” he said, popping the ‘p’. “It’s stuck to the top of the cooker!”

Rose bent down and opened the door noticing the turkey leg hanging amidst the rest of the ruin. “Blimey, what a mess!” Looking up at the Doctor she thanked him for having a plan B! 

“You’re welcome,” he rumbled, “so how about I clean out the oven while you prep the veg and then the TARDIS can move the ‘just incase’ turkey here.”

“Sounds like a plan. I need wine but best not give Mum any yet. She’s not used to bein’ in the money. I adore ya Doctor!”

“And I you, Rose.”

Chopping carrots Rose pointed out, “We might be billionaires Doctor but I know it’s not gonna change anythin’ cuz we already have everything we could ever want! D’ya think I could visit the orphanage with the telepathic kids?”

“Of course, Rose. I’d love you to see it!”

Dinner was served without incident. In fact everything was delicious. Jackie effusively complimented Rose on the turkey and the Doctor telepathically nudged her to take the credit but she couldn’t do it. Rose was embarrassed she’d worked herself into a weeping mess over a bloody turkey so she told her Mum about the exploding turkey embellishing the story for effect. They all howled with laughter knowing it would become legend at all future Christmas dinners. The more she relaxed the more fun she had.

Rose noticed her Mum had let down her guard around the Doctor, even complimenting him on his turkey but Rose knew what had impressed her Mum was that he’d gone to the trouble of cooking another turkey so Rose wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of her. Well, that and a billion dollars had softened Jackie considerably.

“See Mum, I made a good choice,” Rose laughed. “Not just a billionaire but the Doctor can fight evil aliens, protect Earth AND cook!”

Emboldened by the wine, Mother and daughter laughed together. But the Doctor’s eyebrows shot into his hairline when Jackie shared her good opinion of him.

“I reckon he’s a good choice Sweetheart! I’m kinda sorry I didn’t come visit the blue box before!”

Rose knew the Doctor was happy because Jackie was seeing him in a new light and that made her happy too. 

“Okay you lot. I want to take a few minutes to put the food away and clean up. Doctor, why not take Mum on a tour. So far she’s only seen a couple of rooms. Then let’s meet up in the library for gift exchange and talk about Mum’s plan on how to be rich.”

Jackie was amazed by the Olympic size pool and even more by the Doctor’s magical grotto. His garden took her breath away, especially the plantings from his home world. His last stop was the infirmary which was also amazing to Jackie because it was leagues beyond modern hospitals on Earth. He showed her his stock of Rose’s blood and took her into his scan room where he showed her all the scan’s he had of Rose. He even showed Jackie how he planned their meals so Rose would be healthy and strong. 

“I’m glad you showed me how you look after Rose, and it has to be said there’s no one could do it better, not even me, but you know, I’m fine with that and I’m really glad I got to see how ya live together here. You’re alright Doctor. I’m gonna worry a lot less now.”

The Doctor was deeply touched. Finally the ice between them was melting and acceptance was given and received. He’d always respected Jackie but now she respected him and was accepting him into her family. It didn’t mean the barbs and zingers wouldn’t continue but now it would be banter and friendly competition and he welcomed it.

Jackie was tough but she had homespun wisdom too and nothing proved that more than her plan for the money. After presents and dessert everyone was stuffed and laid back. Rose had turned into jelly now that her responsibilities were discharged.

It was Jackie who started the conversation, “I’m gonna start out small,” she declared. “Not sure I’m gonna buy a new house straight away. See, if I move into a proper house in a nice neighborhood, the neighbors are just gonna look down on me because I don’t talk proper and I don’t have much education so I thought I could take some courses, maybe get my A levels.”

“Oh Mum,” Rose praised, “I luv your plan but I want ya to know, aside from the Doctor, you’re the wisest person I know!” 

“Ta Sweetheart. Anyhow, they offer courses in the evening at the local college so maybe I’ll buy a motor car and use the underground carpark ‘round the corner to keep it safe from the lowlifes ‘round here. Ya have to pay by the month but now, thanks to the Doctor, I’ll be able to afford it and I’ll be able to get to the college. You can even talk to a counsellor there to help assess your needs and get ya enrolled proper. Then when I’m more confident I’ll look for a house.”

The Doctor was impressed and said so.

“But before I move, I’m gonna get the neighbours together to put pressure on our government representatives to build a bloody park for the kids in the Estates. You couldn’t even go to a park when you were little Rose! And I know how to get it done. I now have the money to donate to their campaigns and with a motorcar I’m gonna follow them around and take pictures of the stuff they don’t want anyone to see!”

“You’re not talking blackmail are you?” the Doctor laughed.

“You bet I am,” Jackie confirmed, but that’s not all. “I’m gonna hire a gang of them low life’s to keep the park safe and nice. Maybe with employment they can get a leg up too, maybe subsidize them to go back to school!”

“Mum, I’m so proud of you!” Rose proclaimed.

“If you need help Jackie just let me know!” the Doctor offered.

Their Christmas may have had a shaky start but it ended exceedingly well. 

“Now you lot, if I can get through the killer reindeer it’s past my bedtime but it’s been the best Christmas ever!”

“Until next year,” the Doctor pointed out. “Can’t wait,” Rose echoed.

On her way out, the Doctor handed Jackie 30,000 pounds for her first instalment so she’d have enough to buy a car and sign up for her courses. It earned him a hug and a peck on the cheek, which was more than he expected. If only he’d thought of it sooner! 

Later the Doctor smiled as Rose slept beside him. He had provided for his little family. If something happened to him they would manage. Jackie had a right to be ecstatic she’d finally have enough money not to worry how she’d make the rent. He knew from his connection with Rose she didn’t care she was rich. He knew she only cared about him.

Next Christmas would have another big surprise too. Because of the difference between their species Rose would give birth very close to Christmas next year. He snuggled into her looking forward to telling her. He’d have to start on next year’s Christmas decorations extra early since he’d have to look after a very pregnant bond mate too. Life was good all because of his pink and yellow girl.


End file.
